I Eat Gravel

Things Heard At The KDLL Solstice Festival – 2

This year’s KDLL Solstice festival was missing the same type of obscure overhearings as the last year, however it will still be one I won’t soon forget. One of the things overheard has established itself as a regular staple.

Beam me up Scotty, and hold the ice.

I can’t explain the context that this is being used but I can tell you that senior citizens in long black trench coats and Barbara Bush sunglasses is a sight you wish you could forget.

New to this year was:

Those udders are swingin’!

And boy, they were.

Like last year, there was the obligatory beer snob:

I’m sorry, I’m from Wisconsin where they have good beer.

What, like Milwaukee’s Best?

Seriously, what we were serving is some of the best beer on the planet.

And then of course, it wouldn’t be a festival if it didn’t include something so completely absurd that you wish you were born without ears.

I’m a chicken-whisperer. I’m going to whisper to the chickens. I once whispered to a two-year-old hen that never laid an egg. After I whispered, she laid a dozen.

Shoot me.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and if that’s the case, the following picture should make up for the lack of wild ramblings this year.

This happy couple is getting ready to ride the Orbitron. The woman is decked out in Renaissance clothing. Why is she wearing clothes that went out of style… oh, I don’t know, 500 years ago? And why isn’t her valiant partner dressed in a similar fashion? (In his defense, his shirt does say “Noble Life”. There were a few other women that showed up wearing similar attire, including corsets that made parts of the woman defy gravity. In all instances, the men that accompanied them were wearing T-shirts and jeans. Is there some sort of Renaissance renaissance going on? Is this common to other places?

I may never know, so here’s a picture of a llama.

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Coming Soon: Things Heard At The KDLL Solstice Festival 2

A year ago, I highlighted some of the things overheard at the annual KDLL Solstice Festival. I’ve included the quotes below. I’m out the door for another year of volunteerism — which means pouring beer and writing down what some of the more intoxicated people say. This year’s festival is a 2-day event so stay tuned.

Quotes from last year’s festival:

“That reminds me, do you have a Bean-o?”

An important necessity to any music festival.

“Do you still have morning wood?”

At least she wasn’t beating around the bush.

“That goofy white boy standing up.”
“It’s okay, some people are just intolerant.”

When will society look past the ignorance of racial barriers?

“Beam me up Scotty, and hold the ice.”

As opposed to being beamed up ‘on-the-rocks’ I guess.

“Well, gospel and sci-fi are pretty much the same thing.”

Hmm, they may have a point.

“… lost it in the divorce. She beat me up and took my didgeridoo.”

Heart-wrenching.

I’ve been drinking for 62 years, so I know you’re pouring it wrong. Don’t ever get a job in a bar because you’d be fucking fired.”

Says the 61-year-old man to a couple of volunteers who poured a glass with a millimeter of foam on top.

Girl: “Yeah, I’m originally from Ireland.”
Guy: “Oh really, I’ve got friends from here, by the name O’reilly, do you know them?”

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President Obama Announces Release Of Detainees

By executive order, President Obama, today announced the release of all detainees being held at the secret Nevada military facility, dubbed Area 51. The detainees, aliens from an unknown galaxy, had been held there since their capture in Roswell, N.M. in the late 1940’s after their spacecraft unexpectedly crashed. Washington Republicans balked at the President’s decision, arguing that since we didn’t know where they came from, we couldn’t let them go free. Former Vice President Dick Cheney held a press conference simultaneously with the President’s announcement, in what appeared to be an attempt to refute whatever it was the President was poised to announce. In the middle of a diatribe about “enhanced interrogation techniques”, someone interrupted yelling, “Obama’s talking about aliens, not torture, genius!” Cheney responded with, “Well, we should tortu… interrogate the Mexicans too.”

Some of the more moderate members of the President’s own party also announced that they weren’t giving the President their full support on this decision. Florida Senator Bill Nelson — who served aboard space shuttle Columbia for 7 days in 1986 — stated, “We cannot just let them go. I spent 7 days in space and I can tell you, that sort of travel can really mess you up. If you figure that these aliens must have spent years to get to Earth from wherever they come from, they’re obviously not mentally stable enough to be set free.”

Alaska Democratic Senator Mark Begich felt as if he had more information to add, but it’s relevance (and degree of being realistic) was met with confused looks. “We’re learning that some of these detainees aren’t aliens at all, but Texan-Utahan hybrids that got lost trying to decide where to settle.” Begich continued, “Because of what we did to them, if they weren’t aliens before, they certainly must be now.”

In the President’s announcement, he claimed, “This is not a red America, or a blue America, or a green America. This is the United States of America.”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin released a press release shortly after the announcement. In entirety, it read: “Also too.”

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White House Refuses To Cross Picket Line

Vice President Biden and other key administration officials, who had been scheduled to attend the national mayor’s conference in Providence, RI, have backed out because they refuse to cross a picket line.

…
Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs told The Associated Press that the administration is taking no position on the labor dispute itself. But, he said, “We have always respected picket lines, and administration officials will not cross this one.”

“We appreciate the Obama administration’s support of fire fighters,” said International Association of Fire Fighters General President Harold Schaitberger. “This is another example of the administration’s unqualified support for workers and organized labor.”

I like.

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Weirdness Religiousness

According to Newt Gingrich, Americans are “surrounded by paganism”.

According to Huckabee, the defeat of Prop 8 was a miracle “from God’s hand”.

According to me, these guys are nuts.

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10:06pm Quote Of The Day

Barry Crimmins:

‘If you don’t love this country, why don’t you just get out of it?

The answer is simple, Because I don’t want to be victimized by its foreign policy!

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Once Was Blind, Now See

Cheers for science:

[T]hree patients had their sight restored in less than a month by contact lenses cultured with stem cells.

Yes those evil little cells that have received new research funding in the United States thanks to President Obama’s reversal on the ban. And this is just the beginning. It’s fascinating what our scientists are able to do today, and even more fascinating when they have the tools to work with.

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Things Heard At The KDLL Solstice Festival – 2

Coming Soon: Things Heard At The KDLL Solstice Festival 2

President Obama Announces Release Of Detainees

White House Refuses To Cross Picket Line

Weirdness Religiousness

10:06pm Quote Of The Day

Once Was Blind, Now See

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